today's pictures

My back is feeling better today, so I popped on Miriam's hat so we could go out for a bit. But then I realized how cute she looked...

thoughts from the sick bed

I am sitting on my couch today with not much to do (well, plenty to do, but my back went out two days ago and hasn't improved since, so I'm trying to take it easy for awhile). Miriam has been so good today, just playing quietly on my bed with her toys while I have been glued to the last Harry Potter book with an ice pack on my back. There's not much I'm able to do in the way of chores today, so I tore myself away from The Deathly Hallows to write a quick post.

I've been thinking a lot of pregnancy and childbirth lately. And not just because I went through it recently. I guess I am really scared of getting pregnant again. I don't just mean now is not a good time, we should wait awhile longer, etc. I mean I am scared of getting pregnant again, ever. I have been overcome with the perilousness of it since becoming pregnant myself. I always just thought women just got pregnant, went to the hospital, and had a baby. Painful, yes...dangerous, no.

Yet I was terrified my whole pregnancy. I was scared I would miscarry for the first half, terrified I wouldn't come home with a baby the second half. I even kept tags on many baby gifts because I thought I might have to take them back. How sick is that?? Nothing went too wrong during my pregnancy, but for the first 12 weeks I took progesterone because mine was too low...too low to sustain a pregnancy, my doctor said. Articles on the internet (don't EVER look on the internet for this kind of stuff) said that progesterone would only make a pregnancy destined to fail last a little longer. And it didn't help that over about the past two years, a total of seven friends (not just people I casually know...all good friends and my neighbor) have had miscarriages.

And yet, my pregnancy continued. At about 30 weeks, I went to the ER with contractions. When my contractions were coming about five minutes apart, a nurse gave me a shot to stop labor. It made my body shake and tremble for a few hours. I went home and quit my job.

At an OBGYN visit at about 35 weeks, my doctor said my belly was measuring too small. She sent me to get an ultrasound. The baby was an ok size, but my amniotic fluid was low. Andrew asked the doctor reviewing the ultrasound results what this could mean if it continued. "Stillbirth," he answered. The jerk.

I went in for ultrasounds once a week until I went into labor the day before my due date. After about twenty hours of crazy painful contractions, I had only dilated to three centimeters and the doctor took me in for a c-section because Miriam's heart rate kept plummeting. At the end of it all, she was fine, I was fine. A healthy baby. I praise God for her everyday.

But I always wanted a lot of kids. Myfirst thought after my c-section was, "I want more kids, but how can I ever go through that again." I felt really devastated. Since then the terror of my labor and c-section has faded, but new fears have surfaced. If I opt to try a vaginal delivery next baby, there is a risk of uterine rupture. I have no desire to go into labor again, so an elective c-section sounds quite a bit more appealing. However, c-sections are not without their own risks. I found this in a recent new article:"Compared with vaginal deliveries, cesarean deliveries have twice the risk of complications and deaths of both infants and mothers when the fetus is in the normal, head-down position, according to findings from a study conducted in Latin America."

A pregnant friend called me today. She told me of her recent ER visit. She had a kidney infection and went into early labor, all because her doctor didn't diagnose an ongoing urinary tract infection. But she wasn't calling about her. She was calling to tell me about another friend of ours who gave birth a couple weeks ago. Her baby went into the hospital yesterday because he had lost about two and a half pounds since birth and his sodium reading was through the roof. I don't know much more than that--Lord Jesus, let him be ok.

If I get pregnant again, I know I will just have to go through it and trust in God's care to preserve my life and the baby's, but I am scared all the same. Every day I look at my baby and think of what a gift she is--more precious than I ever imagined. And every time I hear that a friend is in labor, my heart starts to beat quickly, my hands get clammy, and I can't think of much else until I hear that the baby has been born. God has infinitely blessed women with the ability to bear children, for I have known no greater joy, but I have know no greater fear, either. For me, the two have always been combined.

the pumkin patch

Fall Pictures

Today was so warm and beautiful, so Miriam and I went and played in the park for awhile. I am still trying to figure out my mom's camera that I am borrowing, but I got a few cute shots. Miriam loved sitting on the ground (she can sit up!) and grabbing for dirt and leaves.

Highlights of the Week:

• Miriam FINALLY rolled over, front to back. At every pediatrician visit over the past few months: "Has she rolled over yet?" "Nope." "Oh...well...it will probably be soon." Thanks. However, she rolled over on Tuesday. It is now Saturday and she has not figured out how to do it again. Actually I think it was quite an accident on Tuesday--she looked startled when it happened. Or maybe it was just me squealing and clapping my hands that made her look like that. Other than her one accidental flip, she just flails her arms and legs and whimpers when I put her down on her stomach. So much for tummy time.

• I made $20 off an old punk band shirt I sold on ebay. Let the home business begin!

• Actually, I can't begin quite yet. I ordered fabric samples on October 5 and I got an email yesterday (th 19th) that they had just been shipped. Slow as molasses.

Reinstating the blog

I don't have time to blog...I really, really don't. As all my friends know, I don't even have time to answer emails. I don't even know if anyone really reads other people's blogs. Miriam has woken up from her nap and is crying in the other room, I have clothes strewn across the apartment because I woke up half and hour before I was supposed to be at a Bible study at church (YOU try showering, dressing, eating, changing the baby's diaper, feeding the baby, dressing the baby, washing spit-up off the baby's face, making sure there are diapers in the diaper bag, making sure there are extra clothes in the diaper bag in case the baby has explosive poop, making it down the treacherous apartment stairs with a baby and overloaded diaper bag, and getting the baby in the car seat in half an hour! I was only five minutes late to church...I'd say that's pretty good). I need to make dinner for tonight, I have a few errands to run, I need to fold clean diapers, do a few loads of laundry, finish cleaning the toilet that I began cleaning yesterday, etc, etc. I did want to be a housewife...

On top of blogging, I now hope add the ventures of WAHM to SAHM ("work-at-home mom" and "stay-at-home mom," to the uninitiated). I have to figure out a way to make money and not put Miriam into daycare by next August. My ideas so far have been: cake making, writing, and selling everything I own on ebay. I have tried to get into cake making, but I am just not motivated to practice. And since my last cake was really quite ugly, I haven't felt inspired to try again. My sister has an awesome idea for a children's book she wants me to help write and my stepbrother to illustrate, but as a I know absolutely nothing about writing for children, she might fire me. Selling everything I own on ebay would only last so long. My newest idea is making organic cotton diapers and nursing covers and selling them on the internet. I already know how to sew, so this would involve only finding a fabric supplier, experimenting with different fabrics, and learning the best way to sell them on the web. I could start with ebay and then try to sell to natural baby stores if I find that there is a market. If nothing else, at least I will know how to make my own diapers!

I'll try to update this blog frequently with the successes and failures of my upcoming business, with pictures of the cutest baby ever, and with whatever else I feel like at the time. So if you are one of those people that reads blogs, here begins the reinstatement of the blog.

Our new love

Miriam Grayce. Born May 6, 2007, at 1:38 in the afternoon. Weighed 6 lbs., 4 oz., 19 1/2 inches long. Please visit http://picasaweb.google.com/daisyfarhat for pictures of Miriam.

We are moving!

In mid-August, Andrew will begin serving at Peace Lutheran Church in Arvada, Colorado. We will be living in Colorado for one year and after that, it is back to Saint Louis for Andrew's final year of Seminary. We are so excited to serve at this wonderful church!

Baby Shower!

On Sunday some ladies from our church in Saint Louis, Historic Trinity Lutheran, threw Andrew and me a surprise baby shower (it was a surprise to me--Andrew was in on it!). We received some wonderful baby supplies at the shower!

Baby Farhat is coming soon!!

Almost 37 weeks!